Tag Archive | facing truth

Unfairness

There is pain,
Throbbing,
Hot rocks left on too long.
Pacing round,
Up and down,
If I can hold out,
It can be days,
Before it subsides,
Again.

Yet, I wait.

My precious blessing,
I can see her.
Long, messy curls,
Slow, deep breaths,
Every day I choose,
Take my meds,
Struggling to stay awake,
Reconciling her then,
With her now.

Yet, I wait some more.

I wait until the next,
Dosage time,
Before bath.
Then once alone.
Tears flow,
And no one offers me,
Their hankie,
After all,
I’m alone.

Tears of happiness,
Because we had one more morning.
Tears of regret,
The choices had to even come up.
Tears of bitterness,
Never had a clear, fair shot.
Tears of comfort,
As I pray myself to sleep.

Cottage by the Sea 6-20-14

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El Simchath Gili (God My Exceeding Joy),

Woke to find You in my secret room

Waiting patiently, box in hand

Wheeling in with pounding heart I come

Willingly I come, willingly I come…

Though I know what’s in there

The box labeled disability

The pain, the heaviness, the burden

The hardest road felt such a burden…

Memory stirs me of the hospital

Much anxiety and work stress

Making a slow, slow recovery

Maybe really, no recovery…

Echoes “You can’t do this anymore”

Engraved in my memory’s ear

Each point taken so personally

Every no is personal, taken personally…

Loyalty is set aside for this consideration

Long term employment discounted

Little thought to what this will do to me

Little thought, little thought of me…

Decision made against my will

Determination pitted against my hope

Done deal against my need to stay

Devotion dismissed I cannot stay…

This is what You point to me

The struggle so painful so demeaning

This the hardest reality I’ve faced

This the truth of the diagnosis I’ve faced…

Forgiveness, truth need to be faced…

El Simchath Gili return joy to me

El Emunah let me be faithful to You

El Sali on You I will build today

El Rai You have seen me today…

Box is lighter now emptied

Barely any weight to it at all

Bravery You engrained in me

Born in place the joy You give me…

Woke to find You in my secret room

Waiting patiently, box in hand

Wheeling in with pounding heart I come

Willingly I come, willingly I come…

        d.f.a.v. 6/20/14

–Donna


 

El Simchath Gili – God My Exceeding Joy
El Emunah- The Faithful God
El Sali – God, My Rock
El Rai- God Seest Me