No Entry

Abba Father:
There’s been tremendous anger,
And I’ve wanted to run from it,
Tried to stuff it in boxes,
In my heart and declare,
“No Entry”!
It hasn’t worked.
In reality there’s more danger.

I allowed myself to indulge,
In naming off the losses,
And as the list got larger,
Resentment loomed greater,
Until my heart was consumed,
And there was no more room,
For anything but anger.

There wasn’t anyway to free myself,
From the ugliest facts within,
Years of fighting to survive,
To live longer, in harmony with this,
Seemed a huge waste,
Wouldn’t I be better off dead,
Than living with this stranger?

It’s not easy to “keep the faith”,
To surrender to death and dying,
And try to focus on God first,
When you’re drowning inside,
Or about to get caught,
In an avalanche,
Of loss, grief and danger.

You know you’re no Job,
Or Moses, Abraham, Joseph,
You’re only you and the situation,
Is unfortunately unfair,
And your loses clearly cruel,
Suddenly the God You love,
Feels like a complete stranger.

The result for me came to be,
A boarded up heart,
Stuffed with what I couldn’t do,
Leaving no room for the blessings,
No room for life itself,
Or gratitude for who You are Lord,
Only the darkest of anger.

It’s a sin, this attitude, I know,
And I am regretful it got here,
I accept my sin in this,
I feel the consequences,
Will You forgive me, Lord?
For wasting these days,
Being my own greatest danger?

Will You help me clear out,
This darkened, unclean heart?
Help me turn everything,
Over to You,
And walk again with me,
Seeing this through Your eyes,
Not those of a stranger?
             dfav 8/26/16
—Donna

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