The Choice

Life for me has been pretty packed the last few weeks with surprises.  Yesterday, one more slammed me to the ground.  Multiple blood clots, multiple pain and multiple shock.

As I lay there in the ER patient room I gave in to many things.

The fears.

The denial.

The pain.

The realization I wanted TO GO HOME.

I wanted Jesus to come into that room and carry me HOME.  In my thoughts were how hard Chris works to care for us and all the things I can’t do for him and Kiana

Then for a few minutes crept in a new solution.  A permanent one.

My prescribed medications were in my purse.  A few handfuls and water all I needed.  It would BE OVER.

ALL OVER. I was tempted.

Yes that was awful.

But is real. It is dark. It was scary.

Fortunately I also made the decision to move on.  Dwelling could have turned it even even darker. So I choose to be authentic.

Life is messy. I got tired, really tired, of the mess. The seemingly neverending mess. As a believer m Jesus Christ I know He is with me every where. Especially yesterday when thoughts of over dosing nibbled at mind.

I’m no hero. I do nothing extraordinary in my faith walk. And don’t want to be anyone one’s inspiration. I am human, my life has messy parts. I give up.

Truth is I believe, I am not alone, others are in our world who think thoughts, or even plan suicide. It isn’t lack of faith, prayer or desire to please God. It is the reality of facing daily a struggle with a chronic life threatening diagnos.

I just choose to be honest.

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