The nerve endings pills make me groggy, even at half dosage keeping a train of thought from derailing is difficult. Plus at half it doesn’t work as quickly or thoroughly. I’d been refusing them unless I had a really bad occupational or physical therapy session, I was paying a high price for it too!
I had my left leg amputated above the knee on Friday, June 3 and here I am on Sunday, June 19 barely able to keep my eyes open and the leg and phantom pains dragging me towards a place I do not want to go – self-pity. Time for self-pity was years and years ago.
“Back in the day” when women were still more property than partners, full-time caregivers, maids, taxi cab drivers etx…many knew the sting of a hand across their face, the wrenching of their arms, the ever-present reminder of who was “the boss”. Most of the time their children knew it too. They cowered in fear or stood in defiance as the belt whooshed through the loops and slapping of leather on leather and as well as the command, “Come here girl (boy”)!”
I was one the lucky ones, my dad never used his fists or tree limbs on us, just the belt. I was one of the defiant ones. As soon as I figured out what he wanted was for me to cry, beg and plea for him to stop the sooner he stopped. In my mind I determined NOT to give him what he wanted if I could withstand it. So where lies the fault for the soft-tissue damage that damaged the lymph node system that led me to an amputation?
My brother and I believed no knew what we were enduring until daddy’s death in February of 2009 but turns out they did but back then you didn’t report such things. For a while I was bitter but then came the time forgiveness was the only way out of the prison I lived in. It wasn’t easy and God and I had many wrestling matches over it. With God though, I forgave. I can be a determined woman when I have to be but I would NEVER have chosen to have willingly forgiven the man I called “Daddy” if God had not been alive within me and commanded it of me for I did it on His strength not my own.
I’ve chosen to be a different type of parent to my child. I speak up and let someone know when I suspect abuse behind firmly closed doors. I work in a profession that gives me some sense of “helping” to ease/end the problem of child/spouse abuse. God uses all things for His purpose and glory when we step aside.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been
called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28 (N.I.V.)